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What are the hardest words to say in any language? "I'm sorry" is
certainly near the top, along with "I'm scared" and "You're right." Maybe
you can think of a few of your own hard-to-say words. My current choice
for the hardest words to say in any language is: "I don't know." Try
saying it to yourself. Then try saying it loud.
"I don't know."
We don't like to admit we don't know the answer. We not only feel we
need to know the right answer, we think we should know it right away. When
we were in school the focus was always on who could raise their hand the
fastest with the right answer. On TV quiz shows it's still the person with
the fastest right answer who gains recognition and reward.
Remember what happened in school when the teacher called on you and you
didn't know the right answer? It wasn't much fun was it? At best you got
ignored, at worst you got humiliated in front of the whole class and
teased about it later at recess. "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"
Because of our cultural conditioning we associate "I don't know" with
lots of negative traits such as ignorance, incompetence and indifference.
Our earlier conditioning and the fight-or-flight reaction often combine to
short circuit the problem-solving process and make us rush to judgment --
to act as if we know when we really don't.
I find it hard to sit very long with not-knowing. Yet I've learned
through experience that until my inner knowing is genuine and deep, it is
better to bear with the anxiety of not-knowing.
There's a healthy way to say "I don't know" that opens the door to the
highest level of creative problem-solving. Saying "I don't know" in an
intelligent, involved and caring way simultaneously sweeps away all our
prejudices and preconceptions and opens our mind to the full range of
possible solutions. Those who know the most about any topic -- whether
it's physics or fishing -- are usually the first to admit how little they
really know.
As I work with my clients to help them navigate through difficult
changes and challenging times, I see over and over again how inner Toxic
Voices hamper their progress in life.
My client Ron was facing midlife career issues and health problems and
his Toxic Voice was yelling, "You should know what to do! You need to do
something!"
Through our work together Ron learned to avoid the twin dangers of
denial (a toxic form of not-knowing) and impulsive action (a toxic form of
knowing). He began to develop a center of serenity and clarity that
allowed him to relax with not-knowing and live each precious day with
greater awareness and enjoyment. At that point, he still didn't know "the
answer" but he was able to defuse the panic reaction that was just making
matters worse. From that new center of serenity Ron was able to see his
life in a radically new way -- one that led gradually to intelligent
decisions and effective actions.
Within our personal hurricanes lies a still center of calmness and
peace. Being able to say "I don't know" allows us to open to a higher
spiritual knowing that the Greeks called "gnosis" -- the ancient root from
which our word "know" is derived.
Saying "I don't know" in the right way cleanses our mind and relaxes
our body. It may occasionally lead to that totally clear, anxiety-free
state of awareness which Zen teachers call "beginner's mind."
Try saying "I don't know" today.
As the humorist Will Rogers sagely observed, "It ain't the things we
don't know that hurt us. It's the things we know…that ain't so."
Read more articles by Robert Gerzon online at:
http://www.gerzon.com
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